After the vigil

I imported the footage from the vigil. The sound is not as bad as I thought it would be. I wish I had a boom mic, but well, I guess I can´t do it all. I´m not a magician.


I was going through the clips and, for the first time, I feared something could happen to Aiden. Something bad, something violent, because of being trans. Just the idea of it is like, no. No. My brain just rejects it; after meeting all these people, I can´t even stand the possibility of something like that to happen to any of them, or to Aiden.

I would be guilty, too. Not only I would feel guilty, but I would be guilty if something bad were to happen to Aiden. It is his decision to go so public about being trans and he is doing it on many platforms, but he is also doing it through resources that I, as a journalist, am making available to him. So, whether I like it or not, I would be responsible, too, if something bad were to happen to him. I know most journalists would disagree. Not that I really care: too much about individual rights and too little about social compromise among journalists.

It´s interesting how these feelings came when I was editing, but not when I was filming. Is it because of the repetition? Because I look 20 times to the same 20 seconds of footage? Is it because I´m alone in the editing room, and it´s late at night? Or is it because, when you are filming, you hide behind the viewfinder and “filter” whatever is going on? It´s funny because, when you watch a documentary you are like “oh, my God, look what he had a chance to witness; it must have been so hard to be there,” but that´s not how the filmmaker experiences what he films. I am learning about it now. It´s like not being there. During the vigil, every once in a while I would put my camera down so I could connect with what was happening. But during the actual filming, I feel more like an animal. A machine, a beast, you name it. I only begin to process things in the editing room.

They say this is dangerous. Think about war reporters: you just get closer and closer to the action, because you are not feeling it is real. Heck! What am I talking about! I´m CHILEAN! We know about this: Henrichsen. This foreign reporter filmed his own death during Chile´s dark days. He got trapped in his filmmaking and, well, the Chilean military men of the 80´s know nothing about limits …