Dominant girls.

He likes “dominant” girls? That´s the expression he used. Dominant girls. I assumed he liked hyper-girly girls, because those would affirm his masculinity, but no, he likes “dominant girls.” What does that mean? Masculine girls? But most of those are lesbians! He is going to have real trouble finding a straight girl who is also masculine. I mean, it looks like he likes the same girls he used to like before transitioning; the problem that I see is that most of those girls are lesbians. He is a man now, so these girls shouldn´t even look at him. I mean, if I were Aiden, I would be pretty offended if a masculine girl who lives out as a lesbian were to put her eyes on me, because she would be openly questioning my masculinity.


Bisexuality can make things even trickier: it could be used as a cover by a girl who likes girls, wants to sleep with Aiden, but doesn´t want Aiden to find out that she doesn´t consider him to be a complete man. It can be a nice shortcut: “Oh, Aiden, I have always been a lesbian, but just and only because of you I consider myself to be bisexual now.” Yeah, right: sorry, but I think that a lesbian who switches to bisexuality when facing Aiden is just a lesbian who doesn´t consider Aiden to be a man.

Just email, my dear

Everybody, I mean EVERYBODY I tell about the project asks me the same questions: "where did you meet him? Did you know him before thinking about your project?" Of course not! I´m not THAT lazy! Am I lazy? Yes; do I wait until the last minute to get things done, in a typical Latino fashion? Yes, but it´s not such a CHRONIC condition of laziness!
I learned about him because I read this article at Metro Weekly. Then I emailed him. TA-DA!!

The image is from Metro Weekly´s website, of course.

He is giving me homework

So Aiden sent me some links to other videos and docs about transgender people. And about genderqueer people, which is something absolutely new to me. "Genderqueer" means that you don´t conform either with being a girl or a boy, so you choose to be both. Uh?
I don´t know how I feel about this. Maybe it is a bit too much. At least, this is how I felt before watching the videos.
Afterwards, yeah, it is still a bit awkward, but there is one aspect of being genderqueer that I really liked. One of the subjects featured said something on the lines of "I disagree with the sex I was born into, so I am challenging that." Challenging. The series are called "Gender Rebel." That means, it is a matter of being critical thinkers, a matter of looking at what was given to them and questioning it. Analizing it. Then rebeling against it. I like that! They dare to question and challenge the notion of "nature" and, considering the incredible amount of nonsense that gets justified in the name of "nature" I think that to question nature is something we need to do. I feel like being genderqueer is like being an anarchist, but regarding gender instead of politics. Nice move.
Now that I think about it, I can see this becoming a trend among anarchists in South America. "Cuestiónalo todo" ("question everything") they say: I can see them adopting a gender-fluid appearence because of the implied statement: gender should be looked at with a critical eye. The current understanding of gender as a static notion justified in the name of nature needs to be challenged.
Can´t wait to be back home and see if I can find any anarchists who have already made the connection.

Email

I just emailed Aiden thanking him for his help with this project. I´m just so excited, and so happy, and a bit scared. I mean, now THIS will be to work in English. Interviewing in English several times. What about rapport and all that stuff? There is just no chance to screw up here. I just can´t screw up, it´s out of the question.
I´m not quite sure he will be good on camera, but I don´t care anymore. There is this one thing I saw in him that I love: he is a bit shy, he is a bit insecure, but he seems to be one of those people who fights it. Someone who says "Ok, so I´m shy. Being shy forces you to stay focused on yourself, and makes it difficult to connect with people. Pretty stupid: then I don´t want to be shy." What follows is a daily struggle against one´s insecurities. I can relate to that. I am the same way. I can relate to this guy. This is enough for me to like him. My subject is great :))
I am going to make of this project whatever it is that I want it to be. No more struggling. I deserve to enjoy this. So I emailed him about that.

He said, among many other things, that I was very "honest." Gulp. I know why he said that: when we met at the cafeteria, he asked what did I think about trans people before reading his interview at Metro Weekly. I responded something on the lines of  "Well, I have always considered myself to be on gays side when it comes to marriage and adoption rights, but changing one´s sex? I just thought that was in the bag of the crazy things that happen in this crazy world." Jesus Christ teach me to shut up!

I AM SOOO EXCITED. AND SCARED

I hope he´s good on camera. If he´s too shy, I´ll be in trouble. But I like shy people. Specifically shy guys; they are a challenge. We are meeting next Thursday to film for the first time, and I´m bringing lunch. I don´t think there is an ethical-whatever with that, we have plenty of time for the subject-interviewer relationship, and I´m trying to break the ice here!

I have a subject :))

He said yes! He said yes: I HAVE A CAPSTONE PROJECT THANK YOU DEAR GOD IF YOU ARE ACTUALLY OUT THERE!
So we met at a public place, we talked about the project and he said YES. I would have been in a considerable amount of trouble otherwise; ´cause the project I presented to my advisor is sort of “designed” for this guy´s story!!

But there is one thing: he was like “yes,” “yeah, that sounds fine,” “sure, we could do that.” I mean, almost no questioning of my motives, my resumé, my persona. And I was prepared to “fight back” and sort of “win” his trust as a subject so he would let me do the video. This piece is about really personal stuff: It´s about body issues, gender, sexuality, coming out... I´m sure he understood that, I made it very clear that I will ask all sorts of questions and that this is not a one-time interview, that I´ll be following him a lot and stuff. So his reaction is weird. Maybe he´ll become trickier later, once we are in the middle of an interview. Maybe he doesn´t care about the project at all and that´s why he´s like “oh, yeah, that sounds fine.” If that´s the case, I´m screwed: the interviews will go nowhere and I´ll get no intimacy. But that can´t be! Seriously, we are talking about a hormonal process that changed his life!

So, how is he? Well, I told him I was going to wear a pink scarf so he could recognize me. I sat in some sort of bar (cafeteria, of course no alcohol) and waited for him. He didn´t see me; I recognized him instantly and I turned around. I can´t describe the moment really, but it was a bit awkward.