Maybe this is why they ask me if I knew Aiden before doing the story...

Mixing the two important conversations I had this weekend, maybe now I know why people ask me if I knew Aiden before reporting the story. It isn´t pretty.
Manu is Colombian, I am Chilean. I´m having problems figuring out how my cultural background might affect my approach to this story, so I asked Manu for her opinion.
We spoke about how Latinos just allow themselves to discriminate. They see a gay couple and they have no problem with saying out loud "qué asco!" (how repulsive). They have no problem with looking down at African Americans. "An American just doesn´t do that," I said to Manu, "when they ´feel like´ discriminating, they work on it and stop themselves. It is socially unaccepted to discriminate, it goes against social rules." Manu said that yes, that´s true, but that we also need to consider American´s double standards. When they say one thing, but mean another. Manu said something like "maybe they say they accept it and they act like they don´t gossip about these things, but we would need to see how things go in their private space. Inside their houses. Maybe they say things just like Latinos do, but they act publicly as if they don´t, because of the double standards that rule here for everything." She has a point.

Manu: "He knows how we like it."

On Wednesday, after submitting my first cut of the project, my body completely shut down. I burned my disc at 5 pm, and then went to class: as I was sitting there, I could feel how my body was saying "Farewell, cruel world, farewell" (do people even say this in Eng? "Adiós, mundo cruel, adiós?")
Whatever: so it shut down, but before that I made sure to check out a camera. On Thursday evening, I met my friend Manu and showed her the first cut of the film. My plan is, from the reactions I get to this cut, work on the final one. I can turn in this first cut as my capstone project, that´s fine, I´m thinking beyond that: maybe the short documentary I want to have on my resume is not the same one that I´m turning in as a graduation project....aja! see where I´m going? I´m using my capstone project as a step towards the project I really want to produce.
So I showed her my capstone. Her thoughts will help me visualize where to go now. We talked for an hour and a half, but I selected the best 10 minutes.
Ladies and gentlemen: Manu´s reactions.
(BTW: Can subtitles be more annoying? Jesus! Someone should PLEASE improve Final Cut! It took me 8 hours just to subtitle this thing! and then an hour of rendering! and then, compressing! too much!)

My best recipe

"Maite, it is so hard to take you out of your own world!" he texted. Or something on the lines, but gramatically correct. My own world? Call it my recipe for happiness: lots reading, writing and editing--in that order. Caffeine, sometimes chocolate. Cuban, British, and Argentinean music in the background. That´s all I need in life. Dating you is not on the list.

I feel a 100% better now

Two days ago, I highlighted my timeline and hit "delete." Yep, I intentionally erased my whole project. I couldn´t stand the cut, I just hated it. Yesterday night, a long brainstorming night, I discovered Susannah Breslin´s amazing blog: today´s post is about how she just threw away a novel she had been working on for 2 years. I say that two strangers with the same insane reaction in a 30 hours frame is enough to declare this a normal behavior. 

This weekend is going to be an interesting one, tough: my project is due exactly six days from now. In case you were wondering, I wasn´t on drugs when I hit the delete key.

( Isn´t the pic a piece of gold? It´s from 1910, there is this great Canadian pic archive)

Well, thinking about it twice...

I was thinking about this note I wrote the other day and well, maybe it is not so true. Sometimes I do feel everything even being behind the camera. I´m thinking about the interviews with Aiden. Yeah, definitely: when it is about people´s intimacy, people´s memories, people´s feelings, the “animal” stops. On those moments, I hide behind the camera so I can “take” what the person is saying. I mean, on normal circumstances, my face would be the one of a shocked, affected person, or maybe I would have tears in my eyes, but when I have the camera I just hide all that emotion by saying to myself “do NOT put the camera down. Keep filming. Do your job.” Actually, maybe being hidden behind the lens allows me to feel more: I am a pretty cold person. I don´t cry, I have trouble showing people what I feel. I block my emotions. Something really compelling comes to me and I close myself like an oyster. But when I am with the camera, I don´t have to do that, I can feel it all: I just make sure my eyes are on the viewfinder, and not on the person. The camera is my shell, but I am actually allowing myself to feel more than what I would under normal circumstances. Aiden, for example: sometimes I´m filming him, and he says something really, really compelling, really strong. I give myself the moment I need and then, when I´m ready, I take my eyes away from the viewfinder and look at him. In normal circumstances, you are always looking at the person, and you don´t have that moment. If you take it, if you look somewhere else, the person feels it. Not here, or not so much. It is just one moment, but a crucial one. Knowing that I have that moment makes me lower the guard and allow myself to connect and feel whatever I´m receiving while filming.

This is a disgusting post: you have been warned.

Aiden lives with 2 other guys. I assume all of them are interested in discussing gender identity and sexual orientation issues, since their house has plenty of art pieces and popular culture icons raising up gender-related questions. At their house, there are lots of intriguing pictures, films, books, posters, etc. All of them are quite confrontational, but there was one in particular that would make me feel extremly uncomfortable: in the living room, there is a fan with the word "FOAM" written in red letters. Next to it, a dirty pad. I swear.  For months, litteraly, I ignored its presence. It would make me feel uncomfortable to the point where denial was the only choice. I would just not look at it, especially when Aiden was around. I´m not showing you the footage because I´ll use it in the film, but please trust me.
What is it about menstruation that makes us so uncomfortable? I´m a pretty liberal woman of the 21st century, and still. It has always been a tabu topic-- why? I think that, when things makes us unreasonably unfomfortable is exactly when we need to stop and force ourselves to examine what is going on, what makes us react that way. Tiding things up, let´s not forget that this was one of the reasons for me to make this video: I was a supporter of gay rights, but when it was about transgender people I would draw a line. Transvestites would make me unformfortable. It wasn´t rational, it just was. Heck, effeminate gay men would make me uncomfortable back then! So, while filming I explored what was really going on in my mind and that´s how this story helped me raise the bar for myself. Hopefully, it would do something similar for viewers, too.
So, keeping the spirit, what is the deal with menstruation? What worries me is that, as a woman, I feel like I should have a good reaction when confronted to art pieces questioning the taboos around menstruation. I feel like my bad reaction (not wanting to even look at it) probably comes from some sort of internalized misogyny. When I can´t look at that stupid pad at Aiden´s house, I feel like an anti-feminist woman of the 60s´. Or 40s´.
There is this video art piece done by a great Chilean architect/artist: Juan Downey. I can´t understand it, but at least I can look at it now. It is some progress. I need to figure this out...
The interesting detail is that, even though I wouldn´t look at the video and wouldn´t examine what does it make me feel and why, I "favorited" it and saved it in my YouTube account a while ago. Maybe I wasn´t in complete denial, but just needing some time.

Qué plancha!

Publishing these notes is just so embarrassing. It makes me want to edit them a lot. I know that would be cheating, and I want to publish them as they reflect my journey while reporting on Aiden´s own journey, but still! I´m publishing the notes from September and October: a lot of water has gone under the bridge since then, and I would write them so differently now! This Thursday I´ll be meeting Aiden, and he is probably going to point out to the stuff I wrote back in September, like “so, what´s up with THIS note?” just so embarrassing. I´m meeting him in less than 48 hours, and I still haven´t said anything to him about this blog. I have “evolved” quite a bit, I promise! Darwin would be proud. Aiden, and all of you, need to wait until I have posted all the notes so you can see that there WAS a learning curve. If after that you still consider that I didn´t learn anything, well, then we can discuss, argue, fight, and all that fun stuff.


It´s taking some self-control not to edit those old posts too much.